Living Under Another Person’s Roof.

Last week we discussed things we need to do before offering accommodation to someone, I am sure we all learnt one or two things. Thank you so much for the experiences shared. We will be looking at the other side of the coin this week, what you need do if you are the one being assisted with accommodation.

Like we reiterated, we all need to be helped in one way or the other, the Creator of the Universe made it in such a way that we all need one another, in other words no man is an island, or do I say no man can be an island. We should be full of gratitude when offered accommodation, do not see it as a right or a duty (they owe you) even if the person is your relative, see it as a privilege and be grateful.

Once you move in, observe the way things are done in the place, watch the person’s values, ask questions politely if you are not clear about some things and do not assume anything. Do not take what is not given to you, if you need anything, seek their permission. Avoid being wasteful, if you are used to finishing a tin of milk once, watch how they use theirs and follow suite, in other words spare them the need of spending extra, rather look for ways you can help them save money. For example you can decide to put off the security light and others once it is 6.30am, this will help reduce the electricity bill of the house.

Please do not equate yourself with their children and become a rival to them, someone reported that her brother buys provision for his daughter anytime she is going to school, but he does not buy for her when she is resuming, this person failed to realize that it is not the brother’s duty to pay her school fees in the first place, (it is the parent’s duty) but because the parents could not afford it, he decided to help, I feel she should be grateful to him for taking up this responsibility, there are people out there with wealthy relatives who still find it difficult to paying school fees. You should correct the children with love, taking into consideration that you were once a child. Beating them is a delicate matter, so thread softly.

Help with house chores; do not wait for instructions before you do the needful. Regardless of your gender, (male or female), once you decide to put up under someone’s roof the first thing to do is swallow your pride, and do away with some preconceived notions (e.g. house chores is the duty of the female). If you are the first born in your own family, and you are exempted from chores, pocket that privilege and do the chores here. I know some will say they will take me as a slave or take me for granted, but I implore you to see this as a phase, and do whatever will bring peace to the home. Live with them in such a way that they will be sorry to see you leave.

Next time we will continue this discussion, meanwhile, if you are guilty of any of the above, apologize and turn a new leaf by putting into practice what you have learnt.

Dupe Oteri

relateandlive@yahoo.com,

Coping With Difficult Parents.

Thank you for all the feedbacks, they are really helpful and encouraging. S.D (your initials) please, please send me that blank mail, I am sorry for the late response please.

Our new discussion is on relating with difficult parents, please come along.

Living with a difficult parent could be harrowing and unpleasant as a young child, thoughts like running away from home, wishing the parent could travel and never come back, and incapacitation of the parent keep coming to mind. The child embraces every opportunity to leave home for holiday, and admission into a higher institution far away from home will be the greatest news for the young adult. What about a full grown man or woman who still needs to cope with this parent? He or she will seldom look forward to the parent’s visit, rather excuses will be cooked up to avoid staying together under the same roof again. But this relationship must continue as long as there is life, so what do you do?

Forgive Past Hurts: I know this could be very difficult especially for someone who was abused physically, I know of someone whose left eye got blinded while being beaten by his father, but he has forgiven him and moved on with his life. Like some one said ‘forgiveness is releasing the hope that things could have been different, true forgiveness is realizing the gift in a bad childhood – and learning from it’. Remember that your past experience in life is part of what made you who you are today, besides the past is beyond you, no one has control over it, holding unto it is the same as crying over spilt milk. You hurt yourself more than you hurt the parent you refuse to forgive. So, garner the courage today and let go.

Do Not Ignore: I implore you, please do not ignore the difficult parent, deep inside them sometimes they wish they had treated you better than they did. Take the highway of treating them better than they treated you, for all you know their treatment of you could have been as a result of how their parents treated them, and since they had no better model for child training, they adopted the one their parents used. Also see them as your boss in the office, do you ignore your boss? No of course. Reach out to them with your gifts, kind words and call them to ask how they are faring.

Mind Your Words: When they speak to you angrily or complain about you, please listen and refrain yourself from erupting in anger. There is no need arguing/judging them or spilling your guts to them. At best slowly and calmly tell them how you feel, I know they may interrupt you, in this case respectfully change the topic or tell them you will like to leave. Remember, a calm cool response to an angry verbal onslaught can defuse a lethal experience.

Write them: For me writing people to express myself has always worked, and 99% of the people I recommended it to came back with great result. Start by expressing appreciation for them, write specifically about a good experience you had with them as a child, then go ahead and express how you feel about some of their actions and state in clear terms your expectations. Make it known that you will be delighted to get their reply, then pray for them – their health especially. What of those who are not lettered? Still write preferably in your mother tongue, read it to them yourself and wait for their response. Do not forget to ask them to pray for you. If you need help in writing, do not hesitate to write me please.

Above all, talk to your Creator about this parent, let Him know exactly how you feel and ask for help in relating with them. Ask Him to give you the strength to forgive your parent, and show them love.

Let us practice these tips and give feed back please.
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Dupe Oteri.
relateandlive@yahoo.com., dupeoteri.blogspot.com