Misplaced Priority; one of the bane of our society

When will our people learn, when will we get it right? I asked myself as I listened to a clerk and a secretary chat in the lobby as I wait to be called up for my appointment. Hear the clerk ‘Even my boss doesn’t wear the kind of shoes I wear, do you know how much this particular pair is being sold? Or do you think I am one of those guys who visit ‘sele pay’?

I watch in pity as the ranting continues because this is a common site, common talk. What is wrong in wearing good shoes? you may want to ask me. Nothing is wrong in wearing good shoes as long as the price fits your pocket, mark my word ‘fits your pocket’. I have seen guys earning not up to 30,000 monthly use blackberry phones, ladies earning the same amount want to keep up with other ladies who earn more, they desire and go out of their ways to buy bags/shoes/dresses e.t.c. that will take up their whole monthly salary. All these at the expense of their paying house rent, children school fees and other things that should be their priority. I am so sorry to hit at us ladies, so many of us are so vain because of wanting to be in vogue. Someone said ‘don’t be in vogue, be classic, classic can stand the test of all times’

Hmmm! Some of our sisters use their children school fees to buy aso ebi, or stuffs in vogue. How can you encourage your man to desist from corruption when you are already demanding for more than he earns in the right way.

  

Your house rent is due and you still went ahead to celebrate your child’s birthday with pomp and pageantry ……. Misplaced priority

Your children school fees is due and you still afford to go for that pleasure trip (not business trip……….misplaced priority

You need to write a professional exam but your girlfriend wants to celebrate her birthday with you sponsoring the party with the money you could use to register for your exams…….misplaced priority

You have a project to submit in school but you need to show up at the club and buy the guys drinks at the expense of your project……..misplaced priority

You earn 100,000. monthly and live the lifestyle of your boss who has one more zero (1.000,000.) behind his salary monthly …….misplaced priority.

You were involved in ‘ajo’ (cothrift contribution) you collected it refuse to buy that landed property but rather bought the plasma TV, set of sound system and other electrical appliances……..misplaced priority

Please furnish me with other scenario of misplaced priorities (lol)

With these kind of things happening all around us we should not be surprised that corruption is thriving in our society.

When you do these, two things are bound to happen to you

You will end up borrowing more, making debt a lifestyle or you end up doing stuffs you should not be doing all in the bid to keep up. Either of the two is bad for you, they do not make you a person of integrity.

I am not saying you don’t deserve to enjoy life, I am only saying life is in stages while men are in sizes. Knowing and getting our priorities right in this nation as individuals will go a long way in reducing corruption.

Relating With You

One of the greatest thing you can do for yourself on earth is to relate with YOU. Simply put, know You, vouch for You, speak to YOU, listen to YOU and finally love You. Most people go through life listening to what others say about them and never listen to themselves, they are so engrossed in monitoring other's progress, actions, choices that they totally ignore themselves. Relating with yourself helps you to have a knowledge of who you are, why you are here and those you need to pay attention to in your success journey. It also help you love others and treat them better. If you do not know You, you can not love you, and since you can not give what you do not have, there is no way you will love others.

How do you know YOU? Literally speaking, you know something by studying that thing, when you purchase an equipment from the market you go through the manual to get a first hand knowledge of how to get the equipment working optimally. Another way is to make use of  that equipment and begin to discover what to do and what not to do with it. The same way it works for YOU. Get a manual about YOU. Yes i mean a manual about YOU. Funny? Well there is a manual about you, the one who created you has that manual (for more about it contact me relateandlive@yahoo.com.)

It is very important that you engage yourself i.e. step out and do something. You may fail when you do it, do not be discouraged, try again, keep on trying. While trying you will discover what works for you and what do not. You will also discover your area of strength and weakness, when you do please do not bemoan your weakness, rather focus more on your strength. You will also discover the environment where you thrive, by this i mean your physical environment and your relational environment. You will note that you function with little or no effort in your physical environment. The people who help you get better are the ones i refer to as your relational environment, by now you will discover that being around some people bring out productivity from you while being with some other drain you emotionally, financially, physically e.t.c. In other words you will easily know where to go to for support/encouragement when you need them.

It is expedient that you treat YOU with respect because others take cue from YOU to treat you appropriately or otherwise. If you do not respect YOU it is unlikely that others will respect YOU. As you respect YOU, you respect others too. Never look down on YOU if  you do not want others to look down on YOU. Also believe in YOU, see YOU as a success regardless what YOU are passing through at the moment. Constantly place the picture of a successful YOU before YOU in your imagination. Go a step further and cut clips of where and who you want to be from magazines and paste them in places YOU will always see them. Get yourself a mirror and speak to YOU encouraging words DAILY.

Always relate with YOU. Tell YOU when YOU are wrong, apologise to YOU and move on.

HURTING OR LETTING GO IS ACHOICE.

Zainab refilled her cylinder at a gas shop and after nine days while cooking there was no more gas in the cylinder. She could not believe it, ‘the cylinder is not leaking’ she said to herself. She cooks only twice a day except for weekends when she cooks thrice. With only a family of five, she expects the 12.5kg cylinder filled with gas to last for nothing less than four weeks. She felt cheated and very hurt. What hurt her most was the fact that that was her first time in the gas shop, she normally goes to the gas station but on that day the station had old cylinders and she did not want to exchange her new cylinder with an old one. Besides the shop owner assured her that the cylinder is filled to capacity. Through out that day she was not herself, she coughed out N3,400 which was not part of her budget to get her cylinder refilled. Her husband came from the office and she relayed the incidence to him but his response took her off guard ‘that’s due to your carelessness, how could you not know that the cylinder was not properly filled’ was his response. Being a meticulous and prudent person she felt that statement was a slap on her face coming from her husband of six years. Their relationship was adversely affected that night as she withdrew into her shell and only gave monosyllabic responses to all her husband was saying.



In life one can never be too careful about getting hurt. Anyhow you want to go about it you will get hurt at least once in a while. There is bound to be lack of trust, dishonesty, cheating, misjudgments, e.t.c. coming from one side to the other, may be in your business dealings, place of work or worship, marriage e.t.c. How we handle these hurts is what really matters. We may brood over them and allow them affect every other relationships in our lives or we may let them go and move ahead. I rather choose the latter because it is gainful for us health wise and make us better persons; on the other hand the former is extremely dangerous to our health. I know it is not easy letting go at times, but it is a choice that is expedient we make each time we get hurt.



The first thing to do is to bear in mind that we are all human, no matter how perfect you think you are others will still see some imperfections in you. So for everyone who hurts you, they are just exhibiting their imperfect side. Tell yourself that you are not going to allow anyone tie you down with his/her imperfection. Open your mouth and confess aloud ‘I refuse to let (the person’s name) tie (my health, my finances, my marriage – whatever is applicable) down by his/her imperfection’. I deliberately choose to let go of (mention the offence/hurt) committed by (name) towards me’. Each time you remember the hurt say this confession over and over again.



Secondly, stop rehearsing the hurt either to yourself or others around you. Rehearsing it is like opening up fresh wound, it is better you let it alone and allow it heal with time. Remember time is a great healer. You too must have hurt others in one way or the other and you will not be too happy if you discover they are telling others about what you did.



There is no better time to let go of those hurts and pain than this season of love, so I encourage you to let go during this season, especially with your spouse, let go and enjoy the season.



Dupe Oteri



relateandlive@yahoo.com, dupeoteri.blogspot

STRENTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE, DO THESE LITTLE THINGS…….

The union between a man and a woman is a strong phenomenon that has been with man since the beginning of creation, it is the strongest union/relationship on earth. No one can explain it but everyone has unique way of expressing the feeling that comes over you when you meet the one you love and express your love to him/her. The euphoria of being in love often leave so many happy and contended at the beginning, one can not just explain it, that feeling you get each time you think about the one you love, seeing or hearing his/her voice causes your heart to leap and your stomach to take a deep bow. If you have experienced it, then you can explain it.
So, after all these at the beginning of 99% of marriage relationships why the sudden change of songs in many marriages? Why the bitterness, the lack of forgiveness, the hatred and then the divorce? All these feelings are allowed to build up overtimes, mistrust here and there, misguided statements, selfishness, esteeming self above the relationship, pride, arrogance, e.t.c. all contribute to separation or divorce. At this stage people forget the good old days, they forget the beginning, and especially the vows made, not even the children are given consideration. The purpose of this write up is not to use a sledge hammer on those already involved in divorce please, it is to offer help to those who are still together, those who are considering reconciliation, those who want to start afresh, and any one who will eventually take a plunge into the world of the married.
There are little things that make all the difference in a marriage, doing them daily become habits and these habits in turn strengthen marriages. We are examining some of these tips today and we will consider others subsequently. But let me sound a cautious note please, DOING these things is key, not just KNOWING them. I am sure by the time you are through reading this piece you will discover you know all of these things, but sincerely ask yourself do you do them? Or how often do you do them? I encourage you to do them and encourage your spouse too, hmmmmm …… I did not say nag your spouse into doing them please, just encourage them. Do not give up if they find it strange at the beginning (especially for couples who have been married for sometimes now) keep at it and I bet they will soon catch the bug.
1. Eat together : No matter how busy the two of you are try and take at least a meal together daily. So many things happen when you eat together, you are bound to look at each other, you talk, your hands collide, you touch, e.t.c. All these are good for a marriage relationship, they help you bond, and I tell you scarcely will any marriage survive without a bond between the two parties.

2. Play together: Sounds funny, playing is for children I hear someone say, good, don’t you cherish your childhood? Those days you had fun with your friends on the field, in your garage, at the school play ground? Some of us remember the things we did then and smile leaving others to wonder where we have gone in our memories. Play games together with your spouse, play a fast one on your kids together, be mischievous with your children, your friends e.t.c. Solve puzzles together.

Lets take a pause here, we will continue next week by God’s grace. In the mean time, I encourage you to practice these two tips. I am sure you will enjoy them. Your marriage will blissful.

Dupe Oteri
relateandlive@yahoo.com, dupeoteri.blogspot

Communication, life-line of all Relationships

I heard the story of a man who believed that a woman should not be trusted with ‘vital’ information like how much he makes, his plans for their own house, car e.t.c. At the end the man died having so much money in the bank, two buildings in choice places in the city but only his greedy lawyer had access to all these. The lawyer connived with a lady who impersonated the man’s wife and the things that should have been inherited by his family went to the lawyer and his accomplice. If this man were to look from beyond, what do you think his reaction will be? If he were given a chance to live again what would he do differently?

Communication is the life of any relationship, when it begins to decline the relationship begins to die. Whether you are referring to an issue involving the whole world or those of your household, being informed is a major issue. Divorce does not start in a day, it begins gradually basically because people are not communicating, I agree that lack of understanding between parties causes divorce but this in itself is part of the process of communication. Leaders especially must be very conscious of this human need while leading. It is very essential that you do not leave people to their imaginations or speculations about issues they expect you to communicate to them about, else you (as a leader) are just taking a stroll alone in the park.

In relationships, especially marriage, you do not swear the oath of secrecy since your decisions and actions does not only affect you but all those on board i.e. your spouse and your children basically.

Communication with your people on your goals, plans, aspiration especially your spouse is crucial. As a leader wherever you find yourself, communicate with your people and do not take them for granted. Even your children, communicate with them, do not think they are too young to be carried along, talk to them in the way appropriate to their age. When people are informed they feel a sense of belonging and see themselves as a stakeholder in the business.

Try turning the table around and put yourself in others shoes in all your relationships, in the work place how will you feel if your boss does not communicate with you about the plans for your unit, when there is profit or loss the management says nothing. In your home, your wife informs you one morning that she is resuming in another office today, I mean she has taken up another job, or your son comes home from school and tells you he has changed his course of study in the university. Your leader in the church/mosque tells the congregation that he just single handedly bought a new place of worship for you all (assume you are on the church/mosque board). Truly ask yourself what your reaction will be. This is what you do as a leader each time you fail to communicate to the people you are leading.
Let us redefine the way we relate with people especially our spouses, start talking/communicating and expect budding relationships all around you.

Dupe Oteri
@relateandlive,  dupeoteri.blogspot, relateandlive@yahoo.com,

Trust, A Social Capital. Can You Spend It?

A friend told me about a young graduate who went into fashion designing for lack of gainful employment. This gentle man who built his business on trust now design clothes for the very rich in our society. He started out by taking orders, collect only money for the materials and then deliver on the particular date he promised. Soon word spread around that he is one reliable fellow and then business took off real good for him. I learnt that prompt delivery is his unique selling point aside the fact that he sews neatly. His customers have come to TRUST and rely on him to deliver on time. So also a Cheque, (an ordinary piece of paper) is accepted on TRUST, that once the receiver gets to the bank, it will be honoured and he/she would be paid the amount written on it, which would be drawn from the givers account. We can buy on trust, lend on trust, and borrow on trust depending on who we are dealing with.
Trust in relationship is a big issue, be it business, marital, family or whatever kind of relationship we are involved in. No one wants to do business with a man/woman or organization that is not trustworthy. Many of us are weary of artisans simply because we do not trust them to deliver at the time they promise, also so many families have been torn apart for lack of trust, and same goes for social groups. No doubt we are facing a major challenge in our nation today due to lack of trust – the governed do not trust the people governing them. Trust is an essential value that is necessary in every human transaction, think about it, we marry on trust, employ on trust, join a company on trust, and board a bus/cab//plane/ship on trust, e.t.c. Or would you board a plane that you know has not been serviced for the past two years? You won’t of course. You board a plane because you TRUST it must have been serviced.

Let us then ask ourselves these questions. Can my words be taken like the Cheque I issue? Can someone else recommend me on trust? Can people accept my services/goods on trust? Am I even trustworthy? When I say “I am on my way, please wait for me” Would people wait or rather say “let’s go, she sure hasn’t left her bathroom” What does MY TRUST ACCOUNT LOOK LIKE? Is it fat, in red, blank? Can my (TRUST) cheque be honoured by others?

Trust is built overtime; at the long run you earn people’s trust by keeping your word and fulfilling your promises. You do not earn people’s trust by breaking promises flagrantly, always remember the golden rule that you do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. No one, not even you love to be disappointed, we all want others to keep their word, so others expect us to keep our words. If we agree that trust is a very vital issue in our day-to-day life, and then we should cultivate it, build on it, imbibe it, and let it be part of us, so that we can spend it and use it to get what we desire in life.

Dupe Oteri
relateandlive@yahoo.com, dupeoteri.blogspot

DELEGATION IN RELATIONSHIPS

Delegation is the method of getting things done by other people. We all delegate on a daily basis, in our homes, offices, place of worship, on the road e.t.c. You wonder how you delegate on the road, if you board a commercial bus with no conductor and you sit at the rear side of the bus, you simply get your money across to the driver by handing it over to someone else to give to him – this is delegation.



Every man has limits when it comes to certain resources hence the need to delegate. This is a very powerful tool in the hand of a leader, like a notable leader state ‘I will rather set ten men to work than do the work of ten men’. It’s benefits outweighs it’s cons, for example succession plan becomes easier through delegation as followers are trained to become leaders through the process, also a leader can concentrate on very important issues by delegating, also those you delegate to have a sense of belonging and know that you trust them.



In as much as delegating is a good strategy, there are certain things to be considered when doing it, else relationships will likely go sour. As the one delegating, you should know who, what and when to delegate, in the office for instance, a boss should know the ability and experience of his subordinates before giving out a task. You should also consider training when delegating, has this person been trained for the assignment you are delegating?



Communication is a key issue in delegation; this is why every leader must constantly hone his/her communication skills. You should be clear in communicating what your expectations are as per the task given, do not be vague, be descriptive, also do not assume the person you are delegating to should know what you expect. It is expedient to assess the risk involved in delegating and communicate such to help the delegate understand how crucial his success or failure is. Express when you want the job completed, where and how you want the task submitted, motivate and evaluate the delegate. Letting the person know the level of confidence you repose in her is a source of motivation.



You need patience while delegating, because we are all of different personalities, our rates of achievements vary, be patient enough to know that a new employee may take longer time to do a thing than one who has been at it for years. This is why we said earlier that assessing the risk is of importance, start from small task to bigger ones, give room for training and retraining. Remember that you make mistake too at times, so do not be too hard on yourself or the delegate.



Trust is also a major challenge in delegation, so many leaders find it hard to delegate because of lack of trust, I encourage subordinates to earn their leaders’ trust, and then ask them how they could be of help in what they are doing. This way, your boss will sense a level of commitment in you and delegate tasks to you. When you are not clear about the task, be courageous enough to ask the person delegating to you to explain further, it is better you do this than waste resources by doing the wrong thing.



Delegating to children also has to do with the things we have discussed, in addition, we should not underestimate their abilities, and we should not overburden them. The fact that you visit your friend whose 4 year old son washes the dishes does not mean you should come home and bounce on your own 4 year old daughter to start washing dishes and expect the same level of competence. Start by having her rinse them after you wash, then she can wash under your supervision, after you can leave them to her totally ( I am sure some will get broken, remember not just to scold but also praise).



There are some things you should avoid delegating, fro example the training (especially disciplining) of your children, I hear parents say things like ‘didn’t they teach you in school not to lie, and I wonder where values should first be taught if not the home. Try as much as possible to inculcate enduring values in your children rather than expecting their teachers to do this.



Always keep in mind to thank the delegate, yes I know you pay them as the CEO, but take to heart that they are human and thrive on praise, even you do.



Remember, you begin to live when you begin to relate truly.



relateandlive@yahoo.com, dupeoteri.blogspot.com